Dormant Blog....

Hi Guys. Though I haven't blogged in a year or so, I thought I would give you all an update.

Just as an FYI, this blog is pretty much dormant, and will stay dormant while I concentrate on my other blog/project. Check it out at EatTheLove.com. It'll concentrate more on food and stories around food, along with recipes.

That isn't to say that I might not return here. But for the time being I'll be blogging at the above address.

Thanks!

My Dreams Tell Me Nothing.

People always talk about how their dreams are SO revealing of their personalities. They're at a cross roads, with a major decision that they can't solve, and then suddenly they wake up (usually refreshed and rested) after having some dream that resolves their decision. They KNOW exactly what to do next.

My boyfriend has had dreams like that. He would occasionally remember them, and then tell his therapist. I mentally imagine his therapist leans forward as the boyfriend says those significant words "So I had this dream yesterday...." I can see in mind his therapist quickly scribbling down thoughts and ideas of what the dream is a metaphor of. How this dream can reveal so much of the boyfriend's unconscious mind. How this could be the big breakthrough, the discover of what his inner child/core issue/essential wound is.

MY dreams however, reveal nothing about me that I don't already know. Here's an example of my dreams:

Most people in the United States are familiar with the popstar Kylie Minogue. Though she's only had two major hits here in the United States (her 1987 remake "The Loco-Motion" which I have to admit that I played incessantly back in high school and her 2001 hit "Can't Get You Out of my Head" which basically everyone that summer couldn't get out of their heads), she's hugely popular in Europe and Asia - comparably to Madonna in terms of recognition. Certainly gay men everywhere know of her, as she is viewed as a gay icon the world round (including here in the United States).

Lesser known is her younger trashier sister Dannii Minogue. Dannii has always struggled with seperating herself from her older sister shadow, often with a slight inferiority complex. I once met a former flight attendant who told me a horror story of Dannii flying on his plane - and of the diva-like attitude she threw when someone referred to her as "Kylie's sister".

Dannii has pretty much released trashy eurodisco songs - songs that wouldn't quite make the cut on a Kylie album. Kylie sings "Can't Get You Out of My Head" and well, Dannii sings a love song to her vibrator....called "Vibe On". Kylie covers classic ABBA songs like "Dancing Queen" and Dannii covers "Xanadu".

Why do I insist on giving you a history lesson on the Minogue sisters? Well because in my dream that I had, I had discovered that there was a THIRD Minogue sister.

This THIRD Minogue sisters was very stealthy. She too released trashy eurodisco songs (trashier than Dannii), but strictly on the downlow. Her name was never put on the singles, instead they were released on "white label" singles, with just the title of the song. They were monster hits in all the big clubs but no one knew who sang the songs, and how they got released. The mystery just deepened.

In my dreams, I had discovered the origin of these songs. And I had discovered the reason why The THIRD Minogue sister choosed to be anonymous.

It was because she was only a pop singer by day. By night she was an evil secret agent, working for a clandestine black op organization bent on taking over the world. Think an evil pop singing version of Sydney Bristow from Alias. The THIRD Minogue sister couldn't have herself TOO MUCH in the limelight for fear of ruining her cover, but she couldn't give up her dreams of singing the pop tunes, and tripping the light fantastic. So she did both, secretly singer her big club anthems (popular among the Europeans, and the gay boys) and secretly carrying out evil espionage missions.

I woke up before I could find out if she really would take over the world (via her dance music, or via her sexy secret agent missions).

And that is when I realized that my dreams tell me nothing about myself. All it revealed to me was:

1. I am a true geek that apparently watches too many Alias/Burn Notice/Chuck/24.

and

2. I am very very gay. A flaming homosexual. Because who else would dream up a THIRD Minogue sister? Isn't two of them enough for this world?

Cute Approachable Gay Couple pt. 2

Though I've written about it before, AJ and I are still being pegged as the cute approachable gay couple. This has it's ups and downs. Usually we don't mind it when random tourists come up to us and ask for directions. AJ and I can see their thought bubbles above their head "Oh my gosh! We're lost in the big city of San Francisco! Wait, there's a cute approachable gay couple! That's SO San Francisco! Look they are walking hand-in-hand! They don't do that back in Boise/Des Moine/Topeka/Little Rock! Let's ask them for directions! Then we can go back to our hometown and tell them that we interacted with the gays! Plus they are unlikely to mug us!"

Sometimes it's slightly annoying. Like the time AJ and I went to a wedding and the entire evening a woman became slightly obsessed with us, and followed us around the entire night. It was near the end of the event, when we were talking to acquaintances of mutual friends that the inevitable "We Are Family" came on. The woman (who we had finally shaken off) comes bounding up to us and yells "Why aren't you guys on the dance floor?!?!?" and then proceeds to drag us off to dance with her.

We're gay. But we don't have to fall into EVERY cliché.

AJ and I went to visit our friends Felisa and Chris and to see their new baby this weekend. Lily (who is utterly adorable) was born a week ago, and Chris' sister and parent's were visiting. Apparently Chris and Felisa had told his sister stories about us (no doubt "cute approachable gay couple" stories) and wanted her to met us.

It's rare that we actually go to Felisa and Chris' house. They have a cat and AJ is utterly completely allergic to cats. When he was in high school he went to an allergist and the allergist did the usual pricks of allergens on his back. When they did the "cat dander" one the doctor - who had been an allergist for over 25 years - yelped out loud "Oh. My. God. I have never seen a welt that big in MY LIFE!" Apparently the welt was so big that it encrouched on the two pricks next to it.

Needless to say he avoids cats and avoids hugging people who own cats.

Nevertheless this was a chance to see Lily (did I mention the utter adorableness?) and to meet Chris' sister and his parents.

So AJ drugged himself up with mutiple nasal decongestants and we arrived, ready to take off at the first moment of sneezing or eye itching.

After hanging out for a little bit and watching Lily sleep peacefully in AJ's arms, the whole group (parent's sister, friends and family) opted to take leave and go to a crepe shop in the Haight Ashbury area. It was on the walk there from their home that AJ and I got approached yet again.

"Hi. Can I ask you guys a questions?" said the guy on the street corner of Haight and Ashbury. AJ and I were wary of him at first. Whenever people approach us with the questions "Can I ask you a question" the immediately visceral reaction in San Francisco is to say "No. Sorry. We don't have any money...."

But the guy seemed relatively well dressed. Articulate. Didn't smell. Relatively young, and his clothes looked like they had been washed recently. In short - he had none of the signifiers of a homeless person panhandling.

Our long pause was enough to tell the guy that he could continue. "Um. Obviously you guys are gay..." he gestured to our hand holding. "So...Um. How do you guys feel about Christians and their attitudes toward you guys?"

AJ and I looked at each other, unsure how to answer. We had walked ahead of our friends, but we weren't sure if we had enough time to properly explain the mixed feelings that we both have toward the church, especially after the election.

AJ spoke first "Well, some Christians have been really supportive of us, and other not so much. It really depends..."

The guy nodded and continued. "Well, I'm here on a mission from my home church in Menlo Park. Some of the people in our congregation have been very supportive of gays and Proposition 8 and others haven't really been so much...."

The guy seemed to be getting much more nervous at this point. At which point, AJ point blank asks him. "Well, how did YOU vote?"

The guy fidgeted.

"Um. Well...I have to be honest. I voted against...um....against...." he mumbled something unintelligent. The guy shifted his feet and looked extremely uncomfortable at this point.

"Wait. Let me get this correct. Did you vote Yes on Proposition 8 or No On Proposition 8?" AJ enunciated pointedly.

"I voted Yes on Prop 8." the guy admitted.

It was at this point that all time froze for me. Had I been in the movie The Matrix, the cool but very outdated special effects of "bullet time" would have been enabled and the camera would have spun 360 degrees around me as I tried to process that information that there was a guy standing right before me telling me that he had voted to take AJ and my rights away.

A guy that, for whatever his reasons, decided that it was okay to approach AJ and I out of the blue and talk to us. Because, hey, we're the cute approachable gay couple right? What harm could we be?

A guy, who was on a mission for his church... a chuch in Menlo Park. Why the heck was he in San Francisco? From Menlo Park? What the heck? What was he trying to do? What was he trying to achieve?

So many responses came to mind. I wanted to yell out loud "Wait. You voted YES ON PROP 8??!?!?!" as loud as I could...in the middle of the Haight Ashbury. The historical center of the hippie movement. The center of the left wing radical socialist movement. The middle of San Francisco. My adopted home town. I wanted everyone around us to know that we had a bigot standing right here in front of us.

I wanted to tell him that he took away our right to marry. I wanted to tell him that he personally told 18,000 couples that their families weren't legitimate. I wanted to grab the next female that walked down the street and say "Hey. Wanna get married? Because right now, because of this man, and people like him, I can marry you, even though I don't even know you. But my partner here, of NINE YEARS. I can't marry him. This man took my rights away. So lets you and I go and get married because that will make him and others like him happy!"

I wanted to tell him that he destroyed the dreams of thousands of people including AJ and I.

I wanted to tell him that no one should have their rights taken away. That civil rights are not something that should be put up to vote. That the church, and every single person who attends that church is allowed to have their opinion, but seperation of church and state is in our U.S. constitution, and the legal marriages in California are LEGAL MARRIAGES... not christian or religious marriages. And they can keep their spiritual and their social marriages, but all we are asking for is our legal marriages. Our legal rights. Our civil rights.

I wanted to call him a bigot. I wanted to say, "You may not think you are...but no one wants to be called a bigot or a racist or a misogynist. The KKK don't even like to call themselves racists. But that does not change the fact that they are racists. And it doesn't change the fact that you are BIGOT."

I wanted tell him the many stories of friends, who married after 10 years, or 15 years, or 25 years of being together and all of them don't know what to make of their legal union now. I wanted to tell them the story of a couple that we knew that got married for the FOURTH TIME. The first time they got married in a commitment ceremony. The second time when they legalized domestic partners. The third time when San Francisco allowed marriages in 2004. And the fourth time (which they thought would be the final time) when it was finally legal in California as per the Supreme Court of California ruling it a constitutional civil right.

I wanted to tell them that I didn't want to have to attend ANOTHER wedding of theirs. Because four is enough. ONCE should be enough. But no they had to marry FOUR TIMES. Now they'll most likely have to explain to their adopted daughter why they will have to get married ONE MORE TIME....

Because no matter what the outcome of the court cases that are pending on Prop 8, there will be a day when marriage will be legal for same-sex couples. I know that. My friends and family know that. Arnold Schwarzenneger and Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi knows that. Heck even BARACK OBAMA said that exact sentiment, that one day same-sex marriage will be legal.

We all know that. It's just a matter of time. And we all thought this was the time. Which is why it's so much harder. Because we had that right. We had the civil right. And it was taken away. By people like this fidgeting man. Standing right in front of us. Looking at us.

So many things went through my head in so short of time. And before I could say a single word, before the magical Matrix special effects bullet time ends, AJ says out loud to the man..."I can't talk to you. You are a hater. I can't talk to you."

And we walk on.

We went to the crepehouse. As I walked into the door, I turned around and saw the guy walking behind us with his friends from his church. On their mission from Menlo Park.

And I know that they were talking to him. I know they told him "Don't worry. You tried. You really tried. It's not your fault. We'll pray for them." I know that's what they told the guy that approached us.

And when our eyes met, before I turned to enter the restaurant, I knew he knew. He knew that it was his fault. Him and people like him took away our rights. He knew that was wrong. He knew that he made a mistake.

And so, while his friends pray for AJ and I, I'll pray for him. I'll pray that he'll learn from his mistakes. I'll pray that he'll know the hurt that he caused. And I'll pray that he'll be able to forgive himself when he realizes the truth. Because right now I can't forgive him. Maybe later. Maybe with some time. But right now I can't.

Or maybe that's what I wanted to see in his eyes. Maybe he didn't know. If so, perhaps one day our paths will cross again. And on that day, when the wound isn't so raw, when the defeat wasn't so fresh in our minds, AJ and I could have a civil conversation with him and explain in a logical way, why what he did was wrong. Maybe. But not right now. And definitely not right then. On the street corner, with our friend right behind us.

Our friends asked what happened. They hadn't caught up to us to hear any of it, and we told them about the exchange. They were incredulous that anyone would approach us like that after voting yes on such a hateful proposition. But I wasn't. Because we're the cute approachable gay couple. And sometimes I wish we weren't.

Write to Marry Day pt. 2

This is part of the WRITE TO MARRY DAY. It is a day late. I apologize for that.

Back on Valentine's Day 2004, I went home to St. Louis.

My mom had been diagnosed with late stage colon cancer a month earlier in January. They had put her on a traditional treatment for it, but were going to switch to a more aggressive treatment soon. I wanted to go and visit with her for various (obvious) reasons, and Valentine's Day 2004 fell on a three day weekend (President's Day).

AJ understood. He offered to fly out with me, but I told him that wasn't necessary. I wanted to spend some time with my mom, and had taken an extra day or two off, something he couldn't do with his work schedule.

While at home visiting, I remember coming down the stairs while my parents watched the news on their enormous rear projection television, and seeing on the TV the hundreds of people gathered at City Hall in San Francisco, celebrating their marriage. It was the first time in the United States that same-sex couples could get married. I remember being shocked, awed, and joyous at what I saw before me, all the while poignant and sad not only because I wasn't there to witness it in person, but because of the reason why I was not there. I was fearful for my mom's health, fearful for what was to come with her treatment, and selfishly fearful that my mom wouldn't be around when AJ and I did eventually marry.

I flew back home and AJ and I discussed possibly getting married right away. Who knew how long the courts would allow the weddings to continue? Who knew how long they would be legal? And (I thought secretly and ashamedly in my head) who knew how long my mom would be here in this world? The same-sex marriages in San Francisco was an unprecendented groundbreaking event and I didn't know how to respond.

Ultimately AJ and I decided not to get married back in 2004 for a number of reasons. We had never had a commitment ceremony before, and we knew if we were to get married we would want to hold a ceremony. We would want to have a some sort of event, completely with a reception and a cake and all the trimmings of a traditional wedding. We wanted the celebration of our relationship, we wanted the gathering of our friends and loved ones, and we wanted a party. A big fat celebration of our love and life together.

March 11, 2004 came and the courts stopped the city of San Francisco from issuing marriage licenses. Over 4000 same-sex couples' licenses were declared void by the state Supreme Court.

On May 15th, 2008, four years later, the California Supreme Court overturned the ban on same-sex marriage, ruling that it was a constitutional right for all people to be allowed to marry in the state of California.

AJ and I awaited this ruling with little expectations. On that day, I tried to find out about the ruling, but ended up getting sidetracked at work...and it wasn't until AJ called me at 10:03am, after downloading the PDF of the ruling and skimming it to find out the ruling - before the news outlets even reported (CNN actually reported it wrong at first).

AJ started crying on the phone to me. I choked up and went into shock. There were other gay/lesbians in the office, and I couldn't look at them or tell them about the ruling, for fear that I would start crying right there in the office. They ended up finding out an hour later, when one of them went online and then yelled out loud "WE CAN GET MARRIED!!!!"

AJ and I talked about getting married again. We were worried that our opportunity might pass yet again. There was this Proposition that was to be on the November Ballot - Proposition 8. It would amend the California constitution making same-sex marriage illegal.

In the end we realized that we did not want to feel pressured into getting married by a deadline. Why is it that our other friends gets to get married whenever they want, however they want? Whether it was a huge wedding and ceremony, or a small intimate event. Whether it was a shotgun Vegas wedding or big lavish affair at home or in an exotic destination?

The average wedding planning takes 12 months. AJ and I would have to plan our wedding, no matter how big or small we decided it would be, in just short of 6 months, because we were fearful that Proposition 8 might pass. We weren't having it. We would need more time, and we would need to have our wedding out love not out of fear.

So we hope and we pray that Proposition 8 does not pass. In the meanwhile, we watched the polls go up and down in support and against the Proposition. We threw a dessert party fundraiser where we raised over $1000 to help fight the Proposition. We donated money, more money than we could afford, to help fight an amendment that would eliminate our fundamental civil right as defined by the California Constitution.

We want to get married, and we want to have that ceremony that is both spiritual and legal combined...just like everyone else. We just have to fight for it....

Do not amend the California constitution with discrimination and hate. Please please PLEASE, if you can vote in California, vote NO on Proposition 8. Do not take away our fundamental civil right.

AJ and I will be fighting all the way to the voting booth... I learned a little bit about fighting from my mom. She went through some tough times, and the aggressive treatment they put her on for her cancer has side effects that she's still dealing with four years later. But she's still around and I know her and my dad would love to be at our wedding. When we have it.

Vote No on Prop 8. Vote No against Discrimination.

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For more information or to donate in the fight against Prop 8 visit www.noonprop8.com.

For the arguments and truth about the all the lies that the proponents of Prop 8 have tried to use, visit www.protectmarriagecalifornia.com.

Write To Marry Day

I was suppose to post something today about Voting No on Prop 8. Today was WRITE TO MARRY DAY, where bloggers were to take up their virtual pen and write about why you should VOTE NO ON 8.

Instead, I built a website that dealt with the lies that are being perpetuated by the yes on 8 campaign. It's being proofread now. I will post the link tomorrow.

In the meanwhile I ask all of you to VOTE NO ON 8. If you can, please help donate to this cause. I will post a longer entry tomorrow about this.

Thank you.

How are you so COOL? [OLD POST]

*This is another old post of mine that I never finished. I went back to finish it and I realized the reason that I never really finished it was because I thought I was going somewhere with it. I wanted the post to be a meditation about being cool, and about how I pretend to know more than I really know, about not really being all that cool in the end - but the post never got to where I wanted it to go, so I just abandoned it.

So I present to you the post as is, without the radical rewrite that I know it would need to get it where I wanted it to go. My apologizes for the rough draft quality.

----

About six months ago, I went skiing with friends of AJ's. Though it's true that I am friends with them as well (they are his cycling buddies) I mostly still think of them as AJ's friends. I love them dearly, and think they are all great, but rarely do I actually hang out with them without AJ, and I have never called any of them up just to see how they are doing or what they up to.

AJ has become friend with most of my friends however. In fact, he no longer thinks of them as "my friends" (we have been together for over a whopping 8 years so this makes sense) but somehow his cycling friends have remained "his friends" and I am definitely not as close to them as AJ is. It doesn’t help that I do not cycle (though strangely, I do own a cycling helmet...which I have worn once. I wonder where it is*).

*Actually I later found out that AJ threw it away because it has gotten moist and then moldy. Damn those damp San Francisco winters!

In fact, this ski trip was the first time that they had seen me do anything physically active at all. Usually I join them for dinner somewhere (not active), meet up with them at coffee shops (not active) or walk a block and half from my apartment to eat ice cream with them at the Bi-Rite Ice Creamery (definitely not active). In fact, the only really active experience they know about me is when they come to our dessert parties - where I was obviously active enough to bake all the desserts, but since that activity is already done - this does not count.

And yes, I know baking 18 desserts in a row isn't the same as riding 100 miles on a bike in a day. I mean you need REAL endurance to be able to mix, scoop and bake hundreds of cookies and brownies, all the while rolling out pie dough, washing and peeling the fruits for the pies, baking and frosting cake layers, and prepping the banana bread and the custard for the deep dark chocolate banana bread pudding, all the while keeping in mind that you have to make at least one dessert that is wheat-free as one of your friends is allergic, and let's not forget to make something lemon based because several friends are obsessed with lemon, and then there's the Italian wedding cake that one friend swoons over so you should make that too, but lets try a few different desserts that we haven't made this year and hope that they turn out, because you really are bored with making the same thing over and over again. Yup, create 18 unique desserts in two and half days versus riding 100 miles - no debate, I win. :)

But this time AJ and I were meeting up with his friends in North Lake Tahoe to go skiing (the road trip up from South Lake Tahoe - a traumatic experience for AJ as he got his first moving violation in a speed trap. Oh wait, his second now that I think about it, the other one was when he was cycling up in Marin, but that's another story for another time). AJ had never been skiing with them before, only cycling. He wasn't sure what their ski level experience would be.

AJ guessed that they would either be total wimps and terrible - in which case we would blow them away (this was my favorite scenario) or exceedingly amazing skiers who would effortlessly glide down ungroomed triple diamond slopes like gazelles in a forest, leaving us struggling, and possibly crying as we risk life and limb to keep up. OK, maybe AJ would be crying. I'd just slide down the mountain on my butt and curse them. Oh wait, that's also what AJ would do - whilst crying. I'd probably just ski down by skiing across the mountain and fall over once I couldn't ski anymore and flip my skis the other way, and get up and ski across and fall over again, repeating the above scenario.

But it turned out that it was their first trip up for the season (it was ours too, but we had gone skiing the day before) and they were somewhere in-between. They were definitely better skiers than us, but we were able to keep up (barely) and one friend in particular repeatedly said to me "I am VERY impressed with you Irvin. I've never really hung out with you doing anything physical active." I just smiled insouciantly and shrugged my shoulders trying to act as if it was all in an average day in the life of Irvin.

In reality, I was in major pain and sore from skiing the day before. In truth, I didn't shrug my shoulders all that much, because I tried not to move more than I have to.

The day before had actually whipped AJ and my ass. The slopes were icy and slick, and we hadn't been skiing in a year. I hadn't been to the gym in about four to five months, and I was feeling EVERY single turn. But I was out to impress the cycling friends of AJ. I was able to keep up (whoo hoo!) and by the time lunch came (thank GOODNESS!) I was ready to take a break.

Lunch was surprisingly decent for a ski resort. After spending more money for crappier food at Heavenly, AJ and I actually enjoyed our meal at this resort in North Tahoe. Cheaper food and better quality.

AJ and his cycling friend Eric (the one that was suitably impressed with my athletic ability) was busy cruising down a boy during lunch. This is what AJ and Eric do when they hang out together. They cruise people.

During the AIDS lifecycle (which AJ does every year) they spend the entire time point people out to each other. They don't overlap too much in terms of who they find attractive, but on that rare occasion they do find crossover. However, they have no problem pointing out guys that they think are the other’s type. This boy at lunch, was definitely not Eric’s type, but definitely AJ’s type (meaning he was a slim young Asian boy).

"Hey. Check the boy over there in the hoody..." Eric slyly comments to AJ when he thought I wasn't paying attention. I, of course, noticed, and didn’t really care.

“Hmm. Cute.” Replied AJ, trying not to shift too much in his seat to look at him. This wasn’t because AJ was trying to subtle about his checking out the guy (AJ is rarely subtle) it was because AJ was also sore from our skiing the day before.

“He wouldn’t be interested in you guys anyway.” I responded to both of them.

“Why not? Not that it matters, we're just looking…”

“Cuz he’s in high school and is straight and probably lives in L.A. and even if he wasn’t straight, he’d only be interested in other guys that look like him.”

“How do you know?”

“His black hoody says ‘SHINY TOY GUNS’ on the back of it. They’re a new wave band from LA that straight high school kids listen to, and if a gay guy likes the band enough to be wearing a hoody from the band then they are really only into new wave indie kids that look like themselves, not older gay guys like you (I point at Eric) or you (I point to AJ).”

Eric looked at me in awe. “How do you know so much? How are you so cool. Irvin?”

“I just am.” I said, shrugging my shoulders again. But not too much 'cuz I was still in pain.

Eric shook his head and returned to his chili in a bowl. I went back to eating my burger and AJ took one more sneaky glance at the SHINY TOY GUNS boy and then returned to his lunch.

We skied the rest of the day and AJ and I were able to (mostly) keep up with the gang. It was a good time, and I look forward to doing more active things with AJ’s friends. Who I hope soon, I’ll be referring to as my friends. After all, I seemed to have impressed them with my physical prowess, as well as my pop culture literacy. What more do you want or need in a friend?

Boring

I found this image on another blog and I have to admit that I often times feel it is very true.