Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Dear Mr Shopper,

Dear Mr. Shopper,

This is an open letter to you. You know who you are. You are the man that stood three customers ahead of me at Loehmann's today. The line was extruciatingly long, and moving very slowly. We made eye contact (by accident) and you seemed extremely nervous and (dare I say) fearful of me - quickly averting your eyes, lest you convey some sort of "attraction" or mislead me into thinking you were interested in me.

I realize that it might have seem like I was making a pass at you, or cruising you down. But you are mistaken. The line took forever, and I couldn't help but look at EVERYONE and ANYTHING while I waited to use my $20 off coupon (on any $50 purchase) that expired today. Apparently everyone else was also using this coupon, and the clerks at Loehmann's aren't the fastest.

Nevertheless, I take offense at the fearful quick averting eye tactic you made. But, perhaps I misinterpreted your expression. Perhaps the eye aversion was merely politeness. And perhaps the quick turning to the vacuous blonde Marina girl next to you, in which you said something witty and flirty, to assert your straightness was just that - a witty flirty comment. The Marina girl seemed to appreciate it, laughing out loud and giggling absurdly at whatever you said. Perhaps it really was quite funny, with the savage wit that you straight people are known to have (that wacky hilarious fat guy on King of Queens cracks me up every time!). My, how I wish I did not have my iPod on so that I could have revelled in the hilarity.

Let me assure you though, that I, by no means, confused you with a gay man. Perhaps it was the ill-fitting shirt you were wearing that clued me in on your sexual orientation. You know, the one with the slogan from some B-B-Q joint which might have been cute had it actual fit you (hint: flairing sleeves on the arm of a T-shirt = straight man, fitted sleeves on the arm of T-shirt = gay man). Perhaps if the shirt had been worn in an ironic sense, like you had just found it at a used/thrift store instead of looking like you actually got it for free by going to said B-B-Q joint I might have mistaken you for gay. Or perhaps if you did not have the bad overgrown hair ontop your head, with the male patterned baldness there could have been another case of mistaken sexual identity. But a gay man would have clipped it short, or had a stylist disguise that balding spot in the back of your head. You seemed to not care about your hair at all, which screams "I watch Spike TV."

But I generalize and stereotype. Perhaps you were gay, but just found me unattractive. Or perhaps you have been trained in the big city ways - to avoid eye contact lest you be accosted by crazy homeless people. And for that I apologize. But if you were what I think you were - an uncomfortable straight man, I have a piece of advice for you. Don't shop in Loehmann's in San Francisco. It's full of gay men, and sooner or later, there will be eye contact.


At 12:39 PM, Blogger Billy Farquhar said...

Hmmm. That's a tough one. I'm not very good with direct eye contact before a couple of drinks and have been known to do the quick look and then avert thing like this man did. However, I usually do that with guys I'm attracted to but intimidated by. So maybe he is a closet case!

At 1:40 AM, Blogger jackhonky said...


that never occured to me. perhaps he was so intimidated by my stunning good looks that he averted his eyes....


At 11:34 PM, Blogger Ed Tep said...

Here's another theory...he's a gay man from the Midwest. This could explain the ill-fitting BBQ joint T-shirt. And must I remind you that the eye-contact/look away technique was the preferred method of flirting at the Compost (er, I mean Complex).


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